The Cycle Ends Now

While contemplating life this past Saturday night I suddenly realised that not only had I not blogged in almost a year (most writing still sitting in drafts or on pieces of paper laying next to my bed) it had been one week shy of a year since I tried quitting smoking. The scandal.

So much has changed and yet here I stand at this cross-road again.

What happened last time?

This time last year I made a feeble attempt that was soon squashed during a yoga class by fears that had plagued me all my life - the fear of being a focal point and not being "respectful" of others. What happened? I struggled to stifle a cough (my lungs trying to rid itself of the poison I had been puffing), of course being unable to and feeling like I had destroyed other people's zen time I decided cutting down to only smoking socially instead of going cold turkey would be a better option. It wouldn't be tough (I thought) since I had already been trying to not smoke at work and in my car (and mostly succeeding) . And it wasn't tough. Well, most days, <cough>, crazy deadlines.

Where am I now?

Over the course of this last year I have tried quitting multiple times, but this time I know there is something different about this. This time (I think and believe) it's for good. The only issue? Social events minus my crutch will be quite a bit more tricky. Combine social drinking and social anxiety and my crutch is really the only way I know how to "keep myself busy" when there's an awkward silence or I'm standing wishing the ground would swallow me whole because I don't know how to stand let alone speak because everything just feels wrong. How does one human again? Where are the animals for me to befriend?

What is the plan of action?

To get it right this time I will remove triggers and create a plan of action. This does not mean I will not be social, but it does mean that:

1. Alcohol may only be consumed when and if I feel it will not be a trigger, i.e. on a "good social day". 
2. I will not go out unless I am "feeling social" so as to prevent myself from being triggered.
3. I will surround myself with friends who support my decision and will remind me in my times of need that I don't need my crutch.
4. I will find a healthier way to de-stress, deal with social anxiety and so on and so forth (e.g. breathing exercises)

What are "good social days"?

I don't know if this makes any sense at all, but for me there are days when I find it easier to blend into the crowd and act "normal". Some days the anxiety I feel while socialising is less. It's the days when it doesn't make me feel like I'm about to puke because I have to talk to people. It's the days that I don't need, not want, but physically need, to disappear into my music because music doesn't judge. It's the friend that is always there and it always understands you. 

And so here we are...

It's time to end the cycle. I may just stop drinking again too, but that is yet to be decided. All that I do know is I'm 4 days clean from cigarettes (and alcohol) and during this emotionally heavy time in my life the best thing I can do is focus my energy on being good to me (whatever form that takes). If I take care of myself I will be better equipped to take care of my loved ones who need me to be strong for them and to support them in this tumultuous time. As someone very special to me said: "let their karma be their karma". And so it was done. Or at least attempted. 

Over and out.

Mich

xoxo 

Self-love VS Fear

Fear

It's a funny thing trying to build yourself up again when you're down (bi-polar or not). If you're anything like me, you over analyse everything, down to the last day when it all changed.

Fear is a sneaky fella; he creeps around at the back of your mind sometimes driving you to do things with or without your consent. He allows you to fall back into old patterns for the mere fact that they are safer.

The Journey

One such fear I have tried for years to overcome is the fear of not doing everything perfectly. I strive to be above average in aspect of my life - from work, relationships, in the kitchen and even in the bedroom (the last 2 where I feel I fall short due to fears of inadequacy so rather saying I can't). I can't tell you if these are just fears, but what they are is real.

I grew up in a household where I was not welcomed into the kitchen, but rather told to get out and go play outside (generally some tomboy activity I loved far more anyway). At no fault to my parents or my upbringing it left me feeling rather unsure of myself when it came to cooking and the like. And society tells us that all females must know how to cook or at least enjoy trying to, especially once in your 20's.

At 16 I took Home Economics in hopes that I would acquire some new skills, and I took to it like a duck to water, easy A's all the way. But the fear was still there, the fear of judgement.

Nowadays I cook, but only for myself. I even baked the other day for the first time in years, to the delight of my office colleagues. Unbeknown to them they were part of my little experiment to build my confidence in this arena. For what I have been doing over the last month is an experiment of sorts to grow in ways I had previously neglected out of fear. Pushing my boundaries and getting out of my comfort zone.

Over the years I chose to grow in other areas, but left these 2 alone out of fear. Each time I put my big toe in the water to attempt to get over them, life would give me a person to prove why my fears were valid. What I didn't know, or better said, what I couldn't see, was that I was allowing them to be that person. I have the power to allow people to affect me, be that in a positive or negative way.

Growth & Self-love

We cannot grow unless we are open to the pain that change brings, nor can we change because someone tells us we should; it must be an inner monologue being acted out because we want to grow.

And this is where my experiment continues; at its own pace of course - life has no timeline nor is anything definite. But what I do know is that I am nearing 2 days clear of smoking (again). I don't know how long this stint will last, but I am being good to myself. I am showing myself love and in-turn will be better able to show someone else love. I don't know when, if ever, for now it's just Toby and myself...But I am quite content to be a cat lady until someone who is also working on themselves chooses to grow alongside me.

Change is the only constant

It's been almost 2 months of writing this piece, editing and scribbling notes down on my phone during moments of trying to find how best to heal. I was torn between my psychologist (writing), my love of privacy regarding private matters and the fact that I did not want others to be affected by this although I knew I needed to write. But between the edits and the tears I knew that I had to write this piece. I knew that in order to gain perspective I needed to write.

It was a rather blurry matter of events, things were said, but they made no sense to my head or my heart. It took a mere 6 days to go from a sparkly eyed girl to a blubbering mess. I knew what you had said, I knew we were over but I didn't know why. Looking back at the sequence of events after, it still makes little to no sense. But I do know one thing, you seem happy and that is all I ever wanted. It just hurt.

I thought you were my person, and I yours until you told me I wasn't. It shook me to the bone and shattered my heart to the point that I literally felt violated and could allow no one into my space without becoming a panda. I felt naked and unprotected after months of feeling the safest I had ever. And the remnants of you surround me, what you gave to my soul and the physical gifts that meant the world...yet you were gone. It was as though you had died, but your ghost haunted me at every turn.

I tried to move on like all my friends told me to, but it felt wrong even talking to a guy. As with most heart problems, logical is a far cry from close at hand and it's impossible to see past the pain when it's too close.

All that kept playing in my head was "...But where do you go to my lovely...I want to see inside your head."

It's a song that plays over and over in my head without end. It's like a stuck record and I am quite sure my friends are rather tired of hearing it, but you were my person and I yours.  

Making sense of it all

I wish it was different, but there is no way to return. Life doesn't work like that. Even after taking it apart piece by piece to make sense of it I know this. What is done is done. What I learned is forever. In life there are no do-overs, but the lessons learned, once learned allow us to progress to the next stage. It's kind of like Nintendo, only the stakes are far higher.

Putting the pieces of me back together

Slowly but surely I am gluing myself back together again and I am building a 2.0 version as I type this. I will never be the same, but I am thankful for that.

Highs & Lows

Whirlwinds

This past weekend was one for the books. From Ramfest on Friday to the wedding of one of my best friends on Saturday - a wedding that rivals anything any Hollywood writer could scribe. It truly was what little girls dreams are made of.

Witnessing love in its rawest form

I have attended a few weddings, but this one takes particular preference after witnessing love like no other. This is love in its rawest form, a love that I got to witness in all its shining glory. A first dance that made my heart sing with joy at witnessing one my bests marrying her best friend, her protector and he his best friend and pillar of strength. Words do it no justice describing your first dance, Jez & James, your souls on fire joining as one for eternity. It really is a love story for the ages.

Traffic and Directions

Troubles before like traffic making me late for both and my directional challenges throwing a spanner in the works leaving me feeling beyond guilty to the point of re-thinking life and what it means to me and how much gratitude I have for my best of friends, I eventually made it to both and even got a Hollywood walking down the stairs kind of moment thrown in for good measure too. I wish I could have a video to remember this weekend for eternity. There is a video of part of it, and you guessed it, I found a way to throw in a cringe and die type moment. Typical. It really was a reminder of all the great people I have in my life and how those that I have lost are missed, but never forgotten. It had me wishing I could do things a lil’ differently in some moments, but as they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and the past few months have been proof of this if anything. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and able to grow into a better version of our yesterdays.

A lil' moshing in the right direction

At Ramfest I got to re-live a lil’ of my youth moshing to Killswitch Engage with one of my best friends in the entire world! Although I left bruised and struggled to find him originally (due to lack of signal at the venue), I of course found him on my way and was able to enjoy a night to remember. It’s funny how life has a way of working out just as it should have. My soul feels fed after this weekend. Re-newed spirit to continue on my path of personal growth while being ever mindful of how terrible I am at keeping in contact (signal or no signal) and how I do not tell those that mean the world to me often enough just how grateful I am to have them in my life. I am blessed beyond words.

Un-quiet mind

Now if the voices in my head would just shut up and my bipolar meds would start working again that would be a real sweet deal. Time to find a new pshyc and sort that out, again. The forever evolving noise that is my neurons not making the right connections is a little haywire at the moment. He’s out for blood, but I will not give in. For this is my silent battle while living the life I dream of.

Perfection - a myth

Perfectionism

The concept of perfection, she is not natural. She is not found in nature. She is but a myth we have created to keep ourselves unhappy. 

Forever and a day I strived to be the "perfect" example of what those around me wanted to be. I failed dismally of course, seeing as that I am but a mere mortal (albeit not a "muggle" per say).

Irrational Fear

I have sat toying with the concept of writing this piece for months now, knowing that the only thing stopping me was my preconceived ideas surrounding what those I know would think of me should I. Crazy I know, but sometimes that is what is going on up in my head.

 All this changed after one conversation this morning. Those fears melted away after opening up the big bag of crazy. It's funny what a mind shift one can have while chatting to a fellow "non-muggle-type" can do to remind you why you started on this self-exploration train nearly 2 years and 5 months ago (not to say it hadn't started long before, but it become more defined within this time).

Now while I may not have kept up with the conventional program, the program I set myself, the one of self-discovery, learning healthy coping mechanisms and applying them all the while striving to be the best possible version of myself, that I can confidently say I have. Not perfect, but happy. Content most days (something I for a long time deemed an impossible state of mind for one such as myself). I can honestly say that it's nearly 2 and half years on and I am happier than I have ever been.

Reality

I know myself better than I have ever. Not because I didn't before, but because I allowed people's preconceived concepts of myself and what I was meant to be blur the lines between who I was (a skinny nerd with big boobs, a tomboy who loves nature & is happiest at the ocean, but could easily get lost within a book for days and so much more). For I am not one thing, I am merely a compilation of my many varying interests & life experiences. A creation built over time through those who have molded me by touching my life at various points, be that about myself, the world or everything in between. I am me. I am the pieces that make up me. I am.

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I could be this content, living a balanced lifestyle that feeds all parts of my personality, but here I sit late one night at the office and I type this, the reminder. The reminder that when I really look at it, really take the time to reflect, the growth I see is exponentially larger than what I thought when I was holding that little piece of paper too close to see the entire picture.

Over & Out.

Mich

Ready, set, achieve your Dreams.

Ready, set, achieve your Dreams.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did so. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain

First step: Setting Goals

A prime example being my week that just passed. I set goals & almost all were achieved (one was partially, but I cannot in good faith count it, the perfectionist in me will not allow for it). Thriving under pressure, a short time span was set. Momentum is now needed to keep this progress going, but as I mentioned in my last post, you always know in your heart of hearts where the truth lies.And I got this.

This got me thinking. What are the ways in which are best to set goals for yourself and to achieve them and as such I came up with this.

How to achieve your dreams:

1.  Know yourself: Set goals, but personalize them so as to circumvent the bad habits that might cut you off at the knees (we all have them, just got to work with them).
2. Deadline: Make sure that your deadline is of importance or will motivate you, e.g. A holiday away
3. Baby Steps: Pace yourself in order to keep up momentum.  
4. Tell someone: This creates a sense of responsibility and will make it harder to drop the ball. (Maybe even grab a group of friends together and set goals and motivate it each other to achieve them)
5. Persistence: If you don't get it right the 1st time, try, try, again.

Rinse & repeat. 

Fear:
 
Now some of you that have read this may say, well, I don't know where to start. You, good sir/madam are lying. There is a dream inside of all of us (yes, I just quoted Mr Schuester in Glee). It may be daunting and scary or perhaps perceived to be unattainable. Or perhaps your parents/one of them are like mine: fear holds a tight grip, so tight they cannot nor do they want to, see passed their comfort zone & they keep telling you why it won't work. If you're anything like me though, you're an adventurer (albeit sometimes that fear grips you too). Push on. Climb those mountains. They are set for us to climb and it would be a waste if we didn't at least try.

Over & Out.

Mich

A Beautiful Conundrum

Life. It’s a beautiful and at times exasperating cycle that continues to ever evolve and back track until we have hit our stubborn heads against the metaphorical wall enough times to grow from the lessons that have been set out for us. 

Many a late night has been spent pondering these cycles, trying fervently to unravel them piece- by -piece. I want to understand the world, the psyche and everything in between. I am forever curious and like many, seek answers; solutions to the many conundrums life has presented me at various stages of my life.

However, one thing remains constant. A constant fear that lurks in the pit of my stomach. I feel a bit like what I imagine the crocs feel like when they swallow a stone (gastrolith) to aid digestion. Heavy. It is a question & a feeling that rings true to many. The fear that I have not, nor ever will have done everything I want to in my life. None of which defines me, but all of which makes up pieces of me.

Currently I reside in my comfort zone, but I once again have itchy feet. I seek new adventures, the wind in my hair, the ocean stretched out in all its grace & glory, new tastes, new sounds and more importantly more chances to grow. New challenges, new conundrums. They are in abundance, they surround me & set me free while suffocating me at the same time. As scary as these new adventures I seek are, as daunting as the probability of landing squarely where I am now, simply in a foreign country (for we carry ourselves with ourselves) I know that my next step is to venture once again beyond these walls of comfort. 

There are times like these that when they stand before us, we know what is written in our heart of hearts. We fear it. We want to ignore the reality. The question is, do we allow the fear of the unknown to cripple us or allow it to be the wind beneath our wings? So we may soar to heights previously unknown or unimaginable to us. This is the question that burns a whole in my head and my heart on so many occasions and forces me once again to take personal inventory. 

The time is now, time to get the fuck out of my comfort zone. I have already been here for too long this time round. And so the cycle continues. Life and her many questions and my quest to unravel at least a part of it. My truth. For after all, we live in a world created by our own perceptions and timing is everything.

Over & Out.

Mich

xoxo

Winter

And as he holds her still beating heart in his hands he knows what he has done. He has turned her fears into truth. 

And now it is time for her to heal. For her to gain closure on a book that has no ending. And hope that one day she will find what she thought she had found, true love. 

But before spring comes winter. For without pain growth cannot take place. Buds of a renewed spirit can only be born from the ashes of a heart broken.

Once upon a time, a girl met a boy, a boy being the operative word, but a boy she loved nonetheless.

Summertime and the livin' is easy

It's been a while since I have written anything. Living life to the fullest is rather expensive and time consuming. But as the work year draws to an end, I'm making no plans to slow down, but rather plans to capture each of these moments. This December I plan to take more photos!

As the year rolls to an end I realise how few of these the moments I have captured in a forever-sense. Photo's being the one way I like to capture a moment for a lifetime. The other tattoos. The latter slightly more expensive, and a little more of a faux pas in the eyes of my parents since I am Jewish by birth (although admittedly terrible at following the rules). 

I'm dying to get more ink nonetheless. Some inspiration for these can be found all over my 'I <3 ink' board on Pinterest. There are so many beautiful images out there, obviously the next one I plan to ink on my body will have a deeper meaning since I believe that, for me at least, tattoos must have a story behind them. Tattoos tell stories about their owners. They read like a picture book for adults, telling stories of heartbreak, triumph and everything in between.

December time is around the corner, time for family, friends and adventures.

Just last night I was discussing with my parents how the sea brings great joy to me and how much of this December holiday (the first one since highschool that I will not be working) will be spent in my favourite seaside destination Onrus with many of my favourite people!

Each time I drive into this generally sleepy town  my heart glows and a grin that can not be wiped off appears on my face. Friends, sea, sun and crazy adventures! All round winning in my books! December time here is where some of my all time favourite memories have been made.

This year I plan on catching more on camera, while also for the first time maybe attempting a surf with my boys. In all the years I have been coming here (and there have been around 23), each December I have vowed to learn to surf. Over the course of this last year I have started living that dream (although still a total novice, and with being petite a smaller board was in order, increasing difficulty and laughs). I might just start out with paddling to the backline (if I can make it, haha) and chilling with the boys, fingers crossed some whales come to visit (there have been stories of this of late, and boy would that make my day).

While taking this much deserved break I will be traveling around our beautiful coastline to visit other friends as well, from closer destinations such as Pearly Beach and Betty's Bay to slightly further places like Mosselbay to visit the Mbay crew and go on all kinds of crazy adventures and see some faces I haven't seen in far to long (Synergy this weekend is going to be off the walls mad and filled with jumping on friends out of glee, like a mini-reunion it will be)!

Summer time, my favourite time of the year! I can't wait till the 14th, the end of my working year and the beginning of an entire month off work! Just in time to get to Onrus and enjoy watching some prime boarding and start my December holiday the right way with the Onrus Classic (15 -17 December). Things couldn't have worked out more perfect!

Over and out.

Mich

xoxo

You mean I am a mistake?

This morning I opened up Facebook only to have my eyes assaulted by some religious banter. Now don't get me wrong, religion is a topic of conversation I rarely get into because of the fact that I believe that everyone is welcome to their points of view, it's our human right after all to have the freedom to say what we think and to believe in whatever we like. However, when I (in the broader sense of the term) am told that because I do not believe in G-d (call him by which ever name you please) and rather in evolution that I am a mistake and therefore have no purpose, I'm going to open my big fat trap (as my mom so lovingly calls it) and speak up.

Now bare with me, this is only my opinion, but I prefer to live life based on facts and formulate my opinions based on those facts. Are you telling me because I choose to not believe in a Higher Power within your perimeters that I am a mistake? Who are you to make that call? Would your all loving G-d approve of such comments?

Your religious views are yours to have, and I respect you for them. However, my opinions although very different from yours, hold as much value.

Over and Out.

Mich

xoxo

Moods that fluctuate like the tides

It's kind of funny how the one simile that describes moods best is that which refers to tides. The ocean being one of the few things (other than driving my car real fast) can make the adrenaline pump and wash away all my fears.

The ocean, she is vast, powerful, deserves respect and like most woman rather temperamental. She holds life within her, far beyond our wildest dreams considering we have yet to explore and discover half of what she has to offer. Like most women, she has held back, perhaps in fear.

Fear, it's a funny thing really. One simple emotion, yet it is able to hold us back from our true potential until we can learn that although afraid, that is no excuse not to try anyway. After all, the only things we ever truly regret is those things we never tried.

This week has got me thinking about this topic extensively. After all as someone once said 'life's not about waiting for the storms to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain', and Spring has flown the coop here in SA so lets dance! Life's too short to sit and think about regrets and 'what if's', the only way to change it is by putting in some action to do just that, change it. This is why I set myself a challenge for this next month, time to stop letting fear hold the reins and take back the power.


If I died today, could I truly say I lived my life with no regrets and had lived life to the fullest? I'm not sure, and that's not good enough for me anymore.

Over and Out.

Mich

xoxo

Natural Vs Chemical, Nuture Vs Genetics

Something that keeps coming up in my life is trying to explain to people the concept that drugs are drugs, be they natural or chemical, neither being better/worse than the other.

This argument brought me great frustration a couple weekends back as hypocrites are my greatest pet peeve.

For years I sat silently fighting the good fight in order to retain my sanity in a household that was reined by illogical, emotionally driven antics. A household where to be heard I felt I needed to scream or else I was going to carry on going unheard. I dreamed of a day that everyone would be able to speak their minds, their opinions not being judged as wrong but rather as a different outlook on the situation at hand. I wanted a space to call safe, a home to be a home not a war zone. Hypocritical stand points with opposing behaviour being the order of the day, and everyone screaming, but never truly being heard left me confused and searching for ways to make things better.

After finally getting out of the house, I was a lil older, but no more wiser as to how to deal with life as those that should have been guiding me had had no guidance themselves in this regard. I am a firm believer that children are molded by a combination of genetics and their surroundings in their formative years. Granted I have little to no recollection of these years, but the memories I do have only make my belief in this stronger.

I was searching for years in all the wrong places, until someone suggested rehab. So I packed my shit up, asked for help (having to admit to one of the coping mechanisms and symptoms of much deeper issues in order for them to take me serious - drugs are bad kids, be they of the natural or chemical variant). Only problem is now that I am out, my family is stuck on the 'drugs are bad part' and not on the fact that it was a symptom, one that brought me to the point of asking for help as it was in my face, but a symptom nonetheless. I needed direction from some more well-rounded adults, and am now making healthier choices. Those choices I speak of, they are mine to make, and I will keep making those, even if that means hurting your feelings when I have to tell you that you are crossing boundaries when you leave your shit in my car and then harp on about my choices.

Sometimes I want to give them an inventory journal and be like 'I think we will get on better if you try work on yourself like I am and realise just because I acted out in a more obvious manner, you ain't perfect.'  Because neither of us is. Perfection is a lie we were taught growing up, it does not exist. We are constantly changing, evolving and learning. Maybe once this concept is grasped the hypocrisy will diminish.

Those mountains were set in my path for a reason, I was meant to climb over those mountains to get to where I am today. Only difference between us, is I can see that and all you can see are the mountains.

Give it a week of letting all involved simmer down and a discussion with the family member in question, we are now finally on the same page of understanding. But this is only due to my now well developed ability to communicate & to response instead of reacting - something my parents struggle to grasp at times. They are improving for the most part, and for this I am grateful, however on occasion they get a lil irrational and forget to listen to facts.

Only time will tell if my little (and by no means is that reflective of how dysfunctional) dysfunctional family will grow into a more peaceful and rational one. Here's to holding thumbs that at 30 I will have my shit together and my family theirs. I know I'm powerless over them, but hope is still alive and kicking, and with the progress over the last year and 3 months,things are looking good for the lil crazy clan of 4 and extended family.

Over and Out.

Mich

xoxo

'What a lot I got' doesn't only refer to smarties

Who knew life in sobriety could get this crazy busy, I sure didn't expect it. But that is the beauty of life, one never really knows what is coming next.

The last couple months have been filled with everything from weddings (some of the younger generation and some older), sibling party evenings, new hair cuts and a whole lot of everything in between.

Life is so full now, I barely got a chance to sit down and write this blog. Although I am unsure as to how many in fact read it, it is of a rather therapeutic nature that I sit and write these pieces. It helps to unravel all the crazy up in my head, the confusion and even re-create the feelings of joy that I have experienced recently.


Never in my life would I have thought that without the chaos I would be utterly content. And as my profound friend said just last night 'Life just is, and I just am' with regards to her own life. But it pertains to everyones lives really. No one sits around and goes, 'Oh universe, don't you just feel like throwing a boulder in my path', but each time it does (often a few at a time). But with each hike over the boulder growth takes place. Growth that brings about a new meaning to joy when overcome. The last month, although wonderful, has brought me to my knees a couple of times, keeping me up late into the night pondering. As with all good things, there must be balance.


At times I wish that the curve-balls with regards to some areas in my life didn't have to exist and life was like a movie (one that I had already watched and knew the ending of), so there would be no cruel surprises. Other times I find it thrilling not knowing what is to become of me, what lays ahead on this journey (that might not have an ending if re-incarnation is a truth), ever learning, every growing, ever changing.

Sometimes I get all silly and wish on a shooting star or a lash to have some of the answers revealed. And the universe generally humbly obliges with a riddle like sign, that could have a thousand meanings or none at all. Although once upon a trip to Wilderness a sign literally hit me in the face.

Which reminds me, another road trip is in order. I long for the open road, and the smell of the ocean! I am literally craving a surf so bad I am contemplating taking up skateboarding again (and I wasn't very successful the first time) - With an over-protective dad, a mother who scolded all my friends for skating on the properties (with me hiding in the feet area for fear of being connected with her - every teenagers nightmare, haha) and a serious lack in drops that I was allowed to try my luck at, it was a short lived attempt. (read:love affair) And I just came to the damming realisation (just made the sound Muttley used to make when Dastardly came up with plans he didn't like) that once again my Sunday surf is not to be. Time to put a set-up together, or borrow someones then..I'm getting back on the board (land or water) this weekend. This drought must end!

And that ends todays view into my mind..as one can see it's all over the place up in there. It sure is a crazy adventure though.

Over and out.

Mich
xoxo

New beginnings, Old Habits

Dum dum dum...<insert drum roll><flash of lightning> 365 day have passed since the dawn of my new beginning.

<Points to exhibit A above> As usual my coping mechanisms I choose to use when feeling vulnerable & or obsessive are 1. humour & 2. tell someone, but only the superficial layer. Here goes part 2 : the superficial layer, in an attempt to free my mind. Hopefully some form of serenity and sanity befalls me while I write what is sitting heavily on my chest.

Todays the big day, 365 clean & sober. However, not feeling serene at all today. Feeling overwhelmed with work stresses while trying to hand over as there is so much I am powerless over. And best of all, I have my all time favourite past time to occupy me; obsessing about conversations that went 'wrong' (i.e not as I would have prefered them to go had I read my script perfectly).

Over the last couple weeks I have faced quite a few fears head on, one main one being rejection. Although I remain proud of myself for even broaching the subject (as I had been running away from it for quite some time) and the conversation had most of the key points I had mulled over in my head for a couple of years, there was a vital fact I left out (for the 2nd time now). And it's been running through my head ever since. Leaving me only with the dreaded feeling of 'what if?'. I hate 'what ifs'. Those open ended questions that could have any outcome, meaning they are out of my control and I don't know what is coming next. Oh wait, that's how life always is, and I try keep trying to change it. I can hear the definition of insanity in my head as I type this.

This behavioural pattern is constantly cutting me off at the knees and brings me right back down to that core issue of control. Oh, dear control issues. I have worked on you so hard.

Today the pressure got to me, the control issues looming. I forgot to breath, and when people started changing the plans, the stress got a bit too much. As a result I did not to react in the calm manner in which I would have like to, I did not make a concise and well founded statement, but instead word vomitted my fears surrounding the topic (that which should have remained in my head) and here I am left sitting obsessing about what my office thinks of me. The reality is, those that heard have all forgotten about it, many probably didn't even hear it. I am probably the only one who remembers it because it was me and we are all inherently self-centered beings with shitloads of work to get done and our own daily struggles. Making it a mere blip in the radar. The reality is I know all of this, my head knows all of this, but my thoughts they do always want not listen.

At this point I can only hope that tomorrow runs smoother and make a promise to myself not to drag today into tomorrow, thus allowing tomorrow to be a new beginning (as each day should be).

Here's to fresh starts on brisk winter days.

Over & out.

Mich

xoxo

Default Settings

For a long time I felt like I had created this creative persona to deal with some traumas from childhood, the dramatic switch from good student with good grades with analytical skills to creative art student felt almost fake because it had not been a formal passion of mine that I got graded on till late adolescence. It felt like I was a fake. Like if I didn't get perfect grades and wasn't the self I thought I had been then it must be a persona that I had created.

But it's on day's like these that I am reminded just how much of a geek and a creative at the same time, and how much I actually enjoy it. It's funny how things turn into something you never knew they could without much push from your side.

I have an abundance of passions, all of which could be said to be completely non-related, and not the 'usual' mix found in one person. But nearing 11 months (2 and 1/2 days to go and obscenely blessed)  I have come to accept (on most days) that I can be all the things I think I am and all the things I want to be. All if I am willing to try anything and put everything into all the things I am doing while remembering the all important rule: moderation. A complex task for a person such as myself, but achievable if I keep my eye on the goal - to be content, not rich, not famous, content (and as an incredibly inspirational friend said, at ease).

Yesterday I was plagued by feeling 'less than' purely because I was comparing my insides to someone elses. My perfectionistic tendancies are probably the biggest threat to my recovery, and the default I tend to fall prey to most often.

From a young age I pushed myself hard, always putting more than necessary into everything (be it a friendship or schoolwork). I am my own worst enemy for the most part and do not remember a day that I was not.

I was tough on myself from the get-go. My mom once told me a story that describes it perfectly. The just of it that from the day I could speak just one word, I would get frustrated with myself should I not be able to get out what I wanted to say (having little vocabulary of course), but instead of sitting with it, I would get frustrated and hold my breath till I went blue and passed out. In fear of this my mother sought guidance from our house doctor at the time, to be told not to worry about it. The funny thing is, even if I'm not going blue in the face anymore, this time old habit of mine of getting frustrated with myself for whatever reason and then harming myself in some shape or form is a pattern that continues today.

I do not know from whom I learnt these habits, it could be from any one of the adults I grew up surrounded by. What I do know however is that one day at a time I plan on trying to hand over my frustrations with myself and let my HP take the reins, because my way clearly didn't work.

I am so grateful for this program, and all that it has taught me thus far. For the first time I can openly say I can feel the growth. I have had some struggles recently, but through good friends, and breaking old patterns I can feel growth. I can show affection to others and to myself. It is coming up to my 1st birthday, and I can not believe how much has changed in one year, one day at a time. To all those that have been a part of it thus far, words can not fully describe how grateful I am to you (you all know who you are).

Over and Out.

Mich
xoxo

Paddle out in Memory of David Warrior Lilienfeld

21 April 2012

Courage is fear that has said its prayers 
                                                    - Karle Wilson Baker

No one of us is always courageous. With trepidation we embark on many journeys. Fear is dispelled each time we rely on our inner strength and trust that our lives are in good hands.
Self-talk is powerful and will prepare us to meet whatever lies ahead today. Self-talk is like prayer and quiets our fears making it possible to give  our full attention to the events transpiring. Self-talk, when positive, cultivates a healthy self-image, one that offers security, even in the face of disaster. We all carry on a dialogue with ourselves much of the time. Taking charge of the messages- making sure they enhance our personal well-being - is an option always available to us.
No situation is more than we can handle. Whatever courage or strength is needed is as close as our willingness to go within, to commune with ourselves.

I must own my fear before I can let them go. Courage follows closely on their departing footsteps.

This was the first thing I read when I woke up yesterday, to a day I knew I would be going out to support all those close to me who were lucky enough to have Dave, the incredible guy he was, in their lives.

Yesterday I was honoured to be at the paddle out in memory of such an incredible person. It was evident to all who were there just how many lives Dave touched, many of whom there only in spirit, but felt just as strongly as those in the water and those standing at the waters edge. I have never been to a memorial that was so heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. A memorial where the energy of the sorely missed (but as many have so rightly said, never forgotten) hung in the air and connected every soul there.

Dave's dad said something that stuck out to me, he had taught Dave and his brother Gustav to never fear anything. It reminded me just how much fear holds us back, and what a full life Dave lived. His early departure from the physical world has left many thinking about what is going on in their own lives. For me it is no different.

So many hours, days, weeks are wasted on moaning about the smaller things in life. Dave's life and passing has reminded me that I need to forget about fear and just go for it. As children we feel like everything is possible, but as we grow up we place our own limitations on what we can achieve. No more of this. The only limitations that exist are those that are in our own minds, if we believe it, have the drive and go for it with 120% of what we got (and even half the fearlessness of Dave) nothing could go any worse than it would if we didn't try at all. Life is something for living (and he sure did that to the fullest). Here's to living life, no regrets. RIP Dave.


 

Friday the 13th

It's always interesting to me to see how Friday the 13th's will end up unfolding. It really runs home the idea of that your mindset can determine what route your life will take. That’s not to say if you wake-up positive the day will go great nor does it mean that if it starts out bad it will go tragically. The beauty of this life we lead is that we have choices, and that includes choosing how things and people will affect us. Eleanor Roosevelt once said: “You can often change your circumstances by changing your attitude” and I truly believe in this. Particularly if you change your attitude on how you respond to an event or person.

I have been trying to create new behaviours over the last couple of 24hrs and yesterday I got a little worked up by my mom (she has that ability when I allow her to), but I tried some new behavior out and phoned to apologize for my behavior. I knew that she as a person does not listen to rational thought and tends to act purely on emotions and that my apology was not heard over the voices in her head screaming ‘how dare she!’ and ‘I am your mother and therefore your superior’. What I was left with was a pissed off mother who had chosen to hear ‘I am coming through Sunday especially for your birthday’ as a negative, when it was meant to be me showing that I care and therefore I am coming through. Last year I forgot her birthday completely due to me living in my own world enveloped by active, and she couldn’t have cared less. The year I remember and make an effort I get shat on.

This would seem completely absurd to most, but this is my mother. She enjoys fighting with me, if I do not behave irrationally (like I did in the past with her), she does not get to get high off fighting with me and feeling superior. Therefore she must start fights with me out of anything (laundry was the last one, in which I remained calm and this infuriated her). So my getting worked up, was in her eyes joyous, however me apologizing destroyed her plan. So instead she took something out of context, told my dad what I had said and I got to wake-up to a charming phone call from my father telling me his favourite line: ‘ you know you can’t say that to your mother’. You can’t say anything to my mother, we must tip-toe around her and edit our thoughts, because something will be taken up as a good fire starter and a fight will ensue.

This being the case, last year had she done this I would have simply not gone through. Although this would later be used as ammunition for another fight (probably about how I care about a certain person more than her), so this year I will go through. I will behave as though this little tantrum never happened, because on some level she will hopefully realize that I was being sincere and that she twisted the story in her head and over-reacted. She will never tell me of this revelation if it happens, but I will know I did the right thing. My dad will be happy and my sister will be glad she’s not there alone (and I wouldn’t want her to be, birthday’s are always so much fun <insert sarcasm> in our household, but at least we have each other). My mother will probably give me daggers, but somewhere inside her heart feel all warm and fuzzy.

Just for today I will not respond the way I used to. I will not give myself a good reason to beat myself up (as I have in the past), to enable my mother and her behavior, nor will I give my addict something to work with that will tempt me to the dark side. I will keep my side of the street clean, and if she does not like this, that is her issue not mine. I will not let the way my day started define how it will end. I have a choice and I can choose to make a negative beginning be the turning point for a positive day. 

Over and out.

Mich

Pesach in Recovery

So it's that time of year again...time for those of us who are Jews to eat cement (a.k.a Matzah) and feel 10kg's heavier and those of us who are not to eat an abundance of chocolate eggies and feel as though we have eaten a years supply of binges.

Last year this time this holiday was the perfect reason to restrict (no questions asked by my family, due to the fact that they too feel a whole lot heavier this time of year when consuming matzah). This time round it's time to re-work my meal plan and remind myself that matzah only makes me feel like a oompaloompa, but that it is in fact all in my head.

To be honest, I hadn't put much thought into why I had wanted to restrict the last 3 days, and it just hit me why. My pattern a year ago would have looked like this - restrict the week before, eat the matzah and the big ass meals on the first 2 days (because now I was allowed to). Insane, yes, why yes if I lived my life like my head told me to most of you would think I was. And I suppose that means I am.

Combine food issues with family and you got a mess. And that is what every Jewish holiday looks like to me. A big ol mess I feel the need to control. Now trying to step back from the family issues and step back from the controlling it with food and well, it is sort of tough.

Over the last 9 and a half months I have managed to really get a hold of my issues with my family, my food however, is where I slip up. Especially when it comes to family functions. By no means is this an excuse, in fact, it's me acknowledging the issue at hand. I need to relinquish all control when around my family in order to preserve my sanity. I need to hand it over to my HP, hope for the best and stick with my meal plan.

And while I'm at it, not over work myself in order to numb out the feelings coming up.

Lord, there's a lot of work still to do, but somehow I think if I just keep taking it day by day I just might be ok. My gut says this next week is going to run a lot smoother than expected, and boy do I hope it's right. Faith that it will will have to get me through this weekend.

So HP help a girl out here, ok?

Over and out.

Mich

Enjoying the small things in life

A wonderful reader of my blog Rachel, reminded me about moderation and how the little things in life are so important to my sanity.

As the weekend draws near, so does Friday afternoons dreaded traffic..dum dum dum (I'm feeling a lil dramatic today, but in a good way).

So here are my tips for getting through the traffic with your sanity intact:

1. Breath
2. Put some good music on (you could even make an epic travelling cd filled with all your favourites)
3. Remember that the maniacs on the road who are trying to lane jump in traffic are there to remind   
    us that we need to be vigilant when on the roads..things happen when we forget that and if any
    destination is reached sooner it will be whatever lies ahead for us in the afterlife.
4. Pedestrians will cross roads, and generally at a leisurely pace, might as well let them pass you,  
    pump the music louder and chill - promise you it ends up far more serene this way.
5. Bikes will come flying by, so either change lanes carefully or chill. You will get to your destination
    at pretty much the same time as you would have had you 'just got round the slow-poke', there is  
    traffic, chill (statistics have proven this).
6. Might as well enjoy the scenery that is the beautiful city we live in...
    my favourite moments while driving have come from breathing, jamming in my car and taking in 
    just how the light is streaming across and making what would be a beautiful photograph had my
    eyes been camera lenses and could capture it in more than just my memory bank.

Have a fantastic weekend guys!

Over & out.
Mich

Ramfest in Recovery

What a crazy ass experience, all of which I remember. Winning in my books!

Just a year ago I was stuck in a dysfunctional relationship that should never have been begun in the first place. But once I was in I was transformed, in some way or another after realising that this was the longest relationship I had ever been in, I fell into the trap (set up by my low self-esteem) and believed that clearly only someone with that many issues could ever love me and be with me for longer that 3 weeks -  what I have come to call the 3 week curse.

A year on and happily single (o.k. that's a lie sometimes, but for the most part it's true) and clean, not entirely serene (but that's o.k, it's life). And still making some of the stupid mistakes, but that's o.k too, because if I expected myself to just be fixed I would be as naiive as the family members of a dear friend of mine (not naming names, *cough* *cough*).

Nearing 9 months now (saying that in my head sounds obscenely weird) and finally went to my first outdoor adventure... Ramfest. Off I went, on my own - dear g-d, must have been feeling real brave yesterday and driven insane by my deep love for Inflames.

Thankfully as I have come to realise over the last couple months, I always tend to bump into friends. And had made plans to meet up with some of the my lovely friends that I had not seen since I disappeared into rehab. Unfortunately it didn't go exactly according to plan (as I didn't get to see all of them), but that's ok I guess.

What it did make me realise is just how much I am willing to put my body through in order to watch one of my all time favourite musical geniuses. Migrane aside it was a phat jam! I could have listened to them for the rest of the night and the next day quite happily.

I did however learn a lot of life lessons upon my Ramfest journey and a few things about myself. That said, no hangover and an early bedtime so I could be at work today all bright and bushy tailed.. it was an epic day (even if I got totally sweaty and often had to go dunk my ass under the water towers). The joys of festivals. (laughs to self) Responsible Mitchel, has changed in so many ways and yet remains flawed and driven by her heart and not her head some days is here to stay. She just needs to learn to manage the heart issues with a little more logic and a little less hopeless romantic wishing for the Decembers of yesteryear and all will be well.

Just for today I'm still my hopeless romantic self and that's o.k. I don't need to punish myself, nor do I need to beat myself up for the next month because I'm still human. I am human, and that means I am fallible and at times get caught up by my hearts yearnings, it doesn't make me a bad person. It just means I'm not a robot.

Over & out.

Mich