Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Default Settings

For a long time I felt like I had created this creative persona to deal with some traumas from childhood, the dramatic switch from good student with good grades with analytical skills to creative art student felt almost fake because it had not been a formal passion of mine that I got graded on till late adolescence. It felt like I was a fake. Like if I didn't get perfect grades and wasn't the self I thought I had been then it must be a persona that I had created.

But it's on day's like these that I am reminded just how much of a geek and a creative at the same time, and how much I actually enjoy it. It's funny how things turn into something you never knew they could without much push from your side.

I have an abundance of passions, all of which could be said to be completely non-related, and not the 'usual' mix found in one person. But nearing 11 months (2 and 1/2 days to go and obscenely blessed)  I have come to accept (on most days) that I can be all the things I think I am and all the things I want to be. All if I am willing to try anything and put everything into all the things I am doing while remembering the all important rule: moderation. A complex task for a person such as myself, but achievable if I keep my eye on the goal - to be content, not rich, not famous, content (and as an incredibly inspirational friend said, at ease).

Yesterday I was plagued by feeling 'less than' purely because I was comparing my insides to someone elses. My perfectionistic tendancies are probably the biggest threat to my recovery, and the default I tend to fall prey to most often.

From a young age I pushed myself hard, always putting more than necessary into everything (be it a friendship or schoolwork). I am my own worst enemy for the most part and do not remember a day that I was not.

I was tough on myself from the get-go. My mom once told me a story that describes it perfectly. The just of it that from the day I could speak just one word, I would get frustrated with myself should I not be able to get out what I wanted to say (having little vocabulary of course), but instead of sitting with it, I would get frustrated and hold my breath till I went blue and passed out. In fear of this my mother sought guidance from our house doctor at the time, to be told not to worry about it. The funny thing is, even if I'm not going blue in the face anymore, this time old habit of mine of getting frustrated with myself for whatever reason and then harming myself in some shape or form is a pattern that continues today.

I do not know from whom I learnt these habits, it could be from any one of the adults I grew up surrounded by. What I do know however is that one day at a time I plan on trying to hand over my frustrations with myself and let my HP take the reins, because my way clearly didn't work.

I am so grateful for this program, and all that it has taught me thus far. For the first time I can openly say I can feel the growth. I have had some struggles recently, but through good friends, and breaking old patterns I can feel growth. I can show affection to others and to myself. It is coming up to my 1st birthday, and I can not believe how much has changed in one year, one day at a time. To all those that have been a part of it thus far, words can not fully describe how grateful I am to you (you all know who you are).

Over and Out.