Friday the 13th

It's always interesting to me to see how Friday the 13th's will end up unfolding. It really runs home the idea of that your mindset can determine what route your life will take. That’s not to say if you wake-up positive the day will go great nor does it mean that if it starts out bad it will go tragically. The beauty of this life we lead is that we have choices, and that includes choosing how things and people will affect us. Eleanor Roosevelt once said: “You can often change your circumstances by changing your attitude” and I truly believe in this. Particularly if you change your attitude on how you respond to an event or person.

I have been trying to create new behaviours over the last couple of 24hrs and yesterday I got a little worked up by my mom (she has that ability when I allow her to), but I tried some new behavior out and phoned to apologize for my behavior. I knew that she as a person does not listen to rational thought and tends to act purely on emotions and that my apology was not heard over the voices in her head screaming ‘how dare she!’ and ‘I am your mother and therefore your superior’. What I was left with was a pissed off mother who had chosen to hear ‘I am coming through Sunday especially for your birthday’ as a negative, when it was meant to be me showing that I care and therefore I am coming through. Last year I forgot her birthday completely due to me living in my own world enveloped by active, and she couldn’t have cared less. The year I remember and make an effort I get shat on.

This would seem completely absurd to most, but this is my mother. She enjoys fighting with me, if I do not behave irrationally (like I did in the past with her), she does not get to get high off fighting with me and feeling superior. Therefore she must start fights with me out of anything (laundry was the last one, in which I remained calm and this infuriated her). So my getting worked up, was in her eyes joyous, however me apologizing destroyed her plan. So instead she took something out of context, told my dad what I had said and I got to wake-up to a charming phone call from my father telling me his favourite line: ‘ you know you can’t say that to your mother’. You can’t say anything to my mother, we must tip-toe around her and edit our thoughts, because something will be taken up as a good fire starter and a fight will ensue.

This being the case, last year had she done this I would have simply not gone through. Although this would later be used as ammunition for another fight (probably about how I care about a certain person more than her), so this year I will go through. I will behave as though this little tantrum never happened, because on some level she will hopefully realize that I was being sincere and that she twisted the story in her head and over-reacted. She will never tell me of this revelation if it happens, but I will know I did the right thing. My dad will be happy and my sister will be glad she’s not there alone (and I wouldn’t want her to be, birthday’s are always so much fun <insert sarcasm> in our household, but at least we have each other). My mother will probably give me daggers, but somewhere inside her heart feel all warm and fuzzy.

Just for today I will not respond the way I used to. I will not give myself a good reason to beat myself up (as I have in the past), to enable my mother and her behavior, nor will I give my addict something to work with that will tempt me to the dark side. I will keep my side of the street clean, and if she does not like this, that is her issue not mine. I will not let the way my day started define how it will end. I have a choice and I can choose to make a negative beginning be the turning point for a positive day. 

Over and out.

Mich