Tuesday, 19 June 2012

New beginnings, Old Habits

Dum dum dum...<insert drum roll><flash of lightning> 365 day have passed since the dawn of my new beginning.

<Points to exhibit A above> As usual my coping mechanisms I choose to use when feeling vulnerable & or obsessive are 1. humour & 2. tell someone, but only the superficial layer. Here goes part 2 : the superficial layer, in an attempt to free my mind. Hopefully some form of serenity and sanity befalls me while I write what is sitting heavily on my chest.

Todays the big day, 365 clean & sober. However, not feeling serene at all today. Feeling overwhelmed with work stresses while trying to hand over as there is so much I am powerless over. And best of all, I have my all time favourite past time to occupy me; obsessing about conversations that went 'wrong' (i.e not as I would have prefered them to go had I read my script perfectly).

Over the last couple weeks I have faced quite a few fears head on, one main one being rejection. Although I remain proud of myself for even broaching the subject (as I had been running away from it for quite some time) and the conversation had most of the key points I had mulled over in my head for a couple of years, there was a vital fact I left out (for the 2nd time now). And it's been running through my head ever since. Leaving me only with the dreaded feeling of 'what if?'. I hate 'what ifs'. Those open ended questions that could have any outcome, meaning they are out of my control and I don't know what is coming next. Oh wait, that's how life always is, and I try keep trying to change it. I can hear the definition of insanity in my head as I type this.

This behavioural pattern is constantly cutting me off at the knees and brings me right back down to that core issue of control. Oh, dear control issues. I have worked on you so hard.

Today the pressure got to me, the control issues looming. I forgot to breath, and when people started changing the plans, the stress got a bit too much. As a result I did not to react in the calm manner in which I would have like to, I did not make a concise and well founded statement, but instead word vomitted my fears surrounding the topic (that which should have remained in my head) and here I am left sitting obsessing about what my office thinks of me. The reality is, those that heard have all forgotten about it, many probably didn't even hear it. I am probably the only one who remembers it because it was me and we are all inherently self-centered beings with shitloads of work to get done and our own daily struggles. Making it a mere blip in the radar. The reality is I know all of this, my head knows all of this, but my thoughts they do always want not listen.

At this point I can only hope that tomorrow runs smoother and make a promise to myself not to drag today into tomorrow, thus allowing tomorrow to be a new beginning (as each day should be).

Here's to fresh starts on brisk winter days.

Over & out.