Monday, 15 September 2014

Change is the only constant

It's been almost 2 months of writing this piece, editing and scribbling notes down on my phone during moments of trying to find how best to heal. I was torn between my psychologist (writing), my love of privacy regarding private matters and the fact that I did not want others to be affected by this although I knew I needed to write. But between the edits and the tears I knew that I had to write this piece. I knew that in order to gain perspective I needed to write.

It was a rather blurry matter of events, things were said, but they made no sense to my head or my heart. It took a mere 6 days to go from a sparkly eyed girl to a blubbering mess. I knew what you had said, I knew we were over but I didn't know why. Looking back at the sequence of events after, it still makes little to no sense. But I do know one thing, you seem happy and that is all I ever wanted. It just hurt.

I thought you were my person, and I yours until you told me I wasn't. It shook me to the bone and shattered my heart to the point that I literally felt violated and could allow no one into my space without becoming a panda. I felt naked and unprotected after months of feeling the safest I had ever. And the remnants of you surround me, what you gave to my soul and the physical gifts that meant the world...yet you were gone. It was as though you had died, but your ghost haunted me at every turn.

I tried to move on like all my friends told me to, but it felt wrong even talking to a guy. As with most heart problems, logical is a far cry from close at hand and it's impossible to see past the pain when it's too close.

All that kept playing in my head was "...But where do you go to my lovely...I want to see inside your head."

It's a song that plays over and over in my head without end. It's like a stuck record and I am quite sure my friends are rather tired of hearing it, but you were my person and I yours.  

Making sense of it all

I wish it was different, but there is no way to return. Life doesn't work like that. Even after taking it apart piece by piece to make sense of it I know this. What is done is done. What I learned is forever. In life there are no do-overs, but the lessons learned, once learned allow us to progress to the next stage. It's kind of like Nintendo, only the stakes are far higher.

Putting the pieces of me back together

Slowly but surely I am gluing myself back together again and I am building a 2.0 version as I type this. I will never be the same, but I am thankful for that.

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