Friday, 26 September 2014

Self-love VS Fear


It's a funny thing trying to build yourself up again when you're down (bi-polar or not). If you're anything like me, you over analyse everything, down to the last day when it all changed.

Fear is a sneaky fella; he creeps around at the back of your mind sometimes driving you to do things with or without your consent. He allows you to fall back into old patterns for the mere fact that they are safer.

The Journey

One such fear I have tried for years to overcome is the fear of not doing everything perfectly. I strive to be above average in aspect of my life - from work, relationships, in the kitchen and even in the bedroom (the last 2 where I feel I fall short due to fears of inadequacy so rather saying I can't). I can't tell you if these are just fears, but what they are is real.

I grew up in a household where I was not welcomed into the kitchen, but rather told to get out and go play outside (generally some tomboy activity I loved far more anyway). At no fault to my parents or my upbringing it left me feeling rather unsure of myself when it came to cooking and the like. And society tells us that all females must know how to cook or at least enjoy trying to, especially once in your 20's.

At 16 I took Home Economics in hopes that I would acquire some new skills, and I took to it like a duck to water, easy A's all the way. But the fear was still there, the fear of judgement.

Nowadays I cook, but only for myself. I even baked the other day for the first time in years, to the delight of my office colleagues. Unbeknown to them they were part of my little experiment to build my confidence in this arena. For what I have been doing over the last month is an experiment of sorts to grow in ways I had previously neglected out of fear. Pushing my boundaries and getting out of my comfort zone.

Over the years I chose to grow in other areas, but left these 2 alone out of fear. Each time I put my big toe in the water to attempt to get over them, life would give me a person to prove why my fears were valid. What I didn't know, or better said, what I couldn't see, was that I was allowing them to be that person. I have the power to allow people to affect me, be that in a positive or negative way.

Growth & Self-love

We cannot grow unless we are open to the pain that change brings, nor can we change because someone tells us we should; it must be an inner monologue being acted out because we want to grow.

And this is where my experiment continues; at its own pace of course - life has no timeline nor is anything definite. But what I do know is that I am nearing 2 days clear of smoking (again). I don't know how long this stint will last, but I am being good to myself. I am showing myself love and in-turn will be better able to show someone else love. I don't know when, if ever, for now it's just Toby and myself...But I am quite content to be a cat lady until someone who is also working on themselves chooses to grow alongside me.

Monday, 15 September 2014

Change is the only constant

It's been almost 2 months of writing this piece, editing and scribbling notes down on my phone during moments of trying to find how best to heal. I was torn between my psychologist (writing), my love of privacy regarding private matters and the fact that I did not want others to be affected by this although I knew I needed to write. But between the edits and the tears I knew that I had to write this piece. I knew that in order to gain perspective I needed to write.

It was a rather blurry matter of events, things were said, but they made no sense to my head or my heart. It took a mere 6 days to go from a sparkly eyed girl to a blubbering mess. I knew what you had said, I knew we were over but I didn't know why. Looking back at the sequence of events after, it still makes little to no sense. But I do know one thing, you seem happy and that is all I ever wanted. It just hurt.

I thought you were my person, and I yours until you told me I wasn't. It shook me to the bone and shattered my heart to the point that I literally felt violated and could allow no one into my space without becoming a panda. I felt naked and unprotected after months of feeling the safest I had ever. And the remnants of you surround me, what you gave to my soul and the physical gifts that meant the world...yet you were gone. It was as though you had died, but your ghost haunted me at every turn.

I tried to move on like all my friends told me to, but it felt wrong even talking to a guy. As with most heart problems, logical is a far cry from close at hand and it's impossible to see past the pain when it's too close.

All that kept playing in my head was "...But where do you go to my lovely...I want to see inside your head."

It's a song that plays over and over in my head without end. It's like a stuck record and I am quite sure my friends are rather tired of hearing it, but you were my person and I yours.  

Making sense of it all

I wish it was different, but there is no way to return. Life doesn't work like that. Even after taking it apart piece by piece to make sense of it I know this. What is done is done. What I learned is forever. In life there are no do-overs, but the lessons learned, once learned allow us to progress to the next stage. It's kind of like Nintendo, only the stakes are far higher.

Putting the pieces of me back together

Slowly but surely I am gluing myself back together again and I am building a 2.0 version as I type this. I will never be the same, but I am thankful for that.