Friday, 26 September 2014

Self-love VS Fear


It's a funny thing trying to build yourself up again when you're down (bi-polar or not). If you're anything like me, you over analyse everything, down to the last day when it all changed.

Fear is a sneaky fella; he creeps around at the back of your mind sometimes driving you to do things with or without your consent. He allows you to fall back into old patterns for the mere fact that they are safer.

The Journey

One such fear I have tried for years to overcome is the fear of not doing everything perfectly. I strive to be above average in aspect of my life - from work, relationships, in the kitchen and even in the bedroom (the last 2 where I feel I fall short due to fears of inadequacy so rather saying I can't). I can't tell you if these are just fears, but what they are is real.

I grew up in a household where I was not welcomed into the kitchen, but rather told to get out and go play outside (generally some tomboy activity I loved far more anyway). At no fault to my parents or my upbringing it left me feeling rather unsure of myself when it came to cooking and the like. And society tells us that all females must know how to cook or at least enjoy trying to, especially once in your 20's.

At 16 I took Home Economics in hopes that I would acquire some new skills, and I took to it like a duck to water, easy A's all the way. But the fear was still there, the fear of judgement.

Nowadays I cook, but only for myself. I even baked the other day for the first time in years, to the delight of my office colleagues. Unbeknown to them they were part of my little experiment to build my confidence in this arena. For what I have been doing over the last month is an experiment of sorts to grow in ways I had previously neglected out of fear. Pushing my boundaries and getting out of my comfort zone.

Over the years I chose to grow in other areas, but left these 2 alone out of fear. Each time I put my big toe in the water to attempt to get over them, life would give me a person to prove why my fears were valid. What I didn't know, or better said, what I couldn't see, was that I was allowing them to be that person. I have the power to allow people to affect me, be that in a positive or negative way.

Growth & Self-love

We cannot grow unless we are open to the pain that change brings, nor can we change because someone tells us we should; it must be an inner monologue being acted out because we want to grow.

And this is where my experiment continues; at its own pace of course - life has no timeline nor is anything definite. But what I do know is that I am nearing 2 days clear of smoking (again). I don't know how long this stint will last, but I am being good to myself. I am showing myself love and in-turn will be better able to show someone else love. I don't know when, if ever, for now it's just Toby and myself...But I am quite content to be a cat lady until someone who is also working on themselves chooses to grow alongside me.

Monday, 15 September 2014

Change is the only constant

It's been almost 2 months of writing this piece, editing and scribbling notes down on my phone during moments of trying to find how best to heal. I was torn between my psychologist (writing), my love of privacy regarding private matters and the fact that I did not want others to be affected by this although I knew I needed to write. But between the edits and the tears I knew that I had to write this piece. I knew that in order to gain perspective I needed to write.

It was a rather blurry matter of events, things were said, but they made no sense to my head or my heart. It took a mere 6 days to go from a sparkly eyed girl to a blubbering mess. I knew what you had said, I knew we were over but I didn't know why. Looking back at the sequence of events after, it still makes little to no sense. But I do know one thing, you seem happy and that is all I ever wanted. It just hurt.

I thought you were my person, and I yours until you told me I wasn't. It shook me to the bone and shattered my heart to the point that I literally felt violated and could allow no one into my space without becoming a panda. I felt naked and unprotected after months of feeling the safest I had ever. And the remnants of you surround me, what you gave to my soul and the physical gifts that meant the world...yet you were gone. It was as though you had died, but your ghost haunted me at every turn.

I tried to move on like all my friends told me to, but it felt wrong even talking to a guy. As with most heart problems, logical is a far cry from close at hand and it's impossible to see past the pain when it's too close.

All that kept playing in my head was "...But where do you go to my lovely...I want to see inside your head."

It's a song that plays over and over in my head without end. It's like a stuck record and I am quite sure my friends are rather tired of hearing it, but you were my person and I yours.  

Making sense of it all

I wish it was different, but there is no way to return. Life doesn't work like that. Even after taking it apart piece by piece to make sense of it I know this. What is done is done. What I learned is forever. In life there are no do-overs, but the lessons learned, once learned allow us to progress to the next stage. It's kind of like Nintendo, only the stakes are far higher.

Putting the pieces of me back together

Slowly but surely I am gluing myself back together again and I am building a 2.0 version as I type this. I will never be the same, but I am thankful for that.

Thursday, 13 March 2014

Highs & Lows


This past weekend was one for the books. From Ramfest on Friday to the wedding of one of my best friends on Saturday - a wedding that rivals anything any Hollywood writer could scribe. It truly was what little girls dreams are made of.

Witnessing love in its rawest form

I have attended a few weddings, but this one takes particular preference after witnessing love like no other. This is love in its rawest form, a love that I got to witness in all its shining glory. A first dance that made my heart sing with joy at witnessing one my bests marrying her best friend, her protector and he his best friend and pillar of strength. Words do it no justice describing your first dance, Jez & James, your souls on fire joining as one for eternity. It really is a love story for the ages.

Traffic and Directions

Troubles before like traffic making me late for both and my directional challenges throwing a spanner in the works leaving me feeling beyond guilty to the point of re-thinking life and what it means to me and how much gratitude I have for my best of friends, I eventually made it to both and even got a Hollywood walking down the stairs kind of moment thrown in for good measure too. I wish I could have a video to remember this weekend for eternity. There is a video of part of it, and you guessed it, I found a way to throw in a cringe and die type moment. Typical. It really was a reminder of all the great people I have in my life and how those that I have lost are missed, but never forgotten. It had me wishing I could do things a lil’ differently in some moments, but as they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and the past few months have been proof of this if anything. But what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and able to grow into a better version of our yesterdays.

A lil' moshing in the right direction

At Ramfest I got to re-live a lil’ of my youth moshing to Killswitch Engage with one of my best friends in the entire world! Although I left bruised and struggled to find him originally (due to lack of signal at the venue), I of course found him on my way and was able to enjoy a night to remember. It’s funny how life has a way of working out just as it should have. My soul feels fed after this weekend. Re-newed spirit to continue on my path of personal growth while being ever mindful of how terrible I am at keeping in contact (signal or no signal) and how I do not tell those that mean the world to me often enough just how grateful I am to have them in my life. I am blessed beyond words.

Un-quiet mind

Now if the voices in my head would just shut up and my bipolar meds would start working again that would be a real sweet deal. Time to find a new pshyc and sort that out, again. The forever evolving noise that is my neurons not making the right connections is a little haywire at the moment. He’s out for blood, but I will not give in. For this is my silent battle while living the life I dream of.