Friday, 26 September 2014

Self-love VS Fear


It's a funny thing trying to build yourself up again when you're down (bi-polar or not). If you're anything like me, you over analyse everything, down to the last day when it all changed.

Fear is a sneaky fella; he creeps around at the back of your mind sometimes driving you to do things with or without your consent. He allows you to fall back into old patterns for the mere fact that they are safer.

The Journey

One such fear I have tried for years to overcome is the fear of not doing everything perfectly. I strive to be above average in aspect of my life - from work, relationships, in the kitchen and even in the bedroom (the last 2 where I feel I fall short due to fears of inadequacy so rather saying I can't). I can't tell you if these are just fears, but what they are is real.

I grew up in a household where I was not welcomed into the kitchen, but rather told to get out and go play outside (generally some tomboy activity I loved far more anyway). At no fault to my parents or my upbringing it left me feeling rather unsure of myself when it came to cooking and the like. And society tells us that all females must know how to cook or at least enjoy trying to, especially once in your 20's.

At 16 I took Home Economics in hopes that I would acquire some new skills, and I took to it like a duck to water, easy A's all the way. But the fear was still there, the fear of judgement.

Nowadays I cook, but only for myself. I even baked the other day for the first time in years, to the delight of my office colleagues. Unbeknown to them they were part of my little experiment to build my confidence in this arena. For what I have been doing over the last month is an experiment of sorts to grow in ways I had previously neglected out of fear. Pushing my boundaries and getting out of my comfort zone.

Over the years I chose to grow in other areas, but left these 2 alone out of fear. Each time I put my big toe in the water to attempt to get over them, life would give me a person to prove why my fears were valid. What I didn't know, or better said, what I couldn't see, was that I was allowing them to be that person. I have the power to allow people to affect me, be that in a positive or negative way.

Growth & Self-love

We cannot grow unless we are open to the pain that change brings, nor can we change because someone tells us we should; it must be an inner monologue being acted out because we want to grow.

And this is where my experiment continues; at its own pace of course - life has no timeline nor is anything definite. But what I do know is that I am nearing 2 days clear of smoking (again). I don't know how long this stint will last, but I am being good to myself. I am showing myself love and in-turn will be better able to show someone else love. I don't know when, if ever, for now it's just Toby and myself...But I am quite content to be a cat lady until someone who is also working on themselves chooses to grow alongside me.

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