'What a lot I got' doesn't only refer to smarties

Who knew life in sobriety could get this crazy busy, I sure didn't expect it. But that is the beauty of life, one never really knows what is coming next.

The last couple months have been filled with everything from weddings (some of the younger generation and some older), sibling party evenings, new hair cuts and a whole lot of everything in between.

Life is so full now, I barely got a chance to sit down and write this blog. Although I am unsure as to how many in fact read it, it is of a rather therapeutic nature that I sit and write these pieces. It helps to unravel all the crazy up in my head, the confusion and even re-create the feelings of joy that I have experienced recently.


Never in my life would I have thought that without the chaos I would be utterly content. And as my profound friend said just last night 'Life just is, and I just am' with regards to her own life. But it pertains to everyones lives really. No one sits around and goes, 'Oh universe, don't you just feel like throwing a boulder in my path', but each time it does (often a few at a time). But with each hike over the boulder growth takes place. Growth that brings about a new meaning to joy when overcome. The last month, although wonderful, has brought me to my knees a couple of times, keeping me up late into the night pondering. As with all good things, there must be balance.


At times I wish that the curve-balls with regards to some areas in my life didn't have to exist and life was like a movie (one that I had already watched and knew the ending of), so there would be no cruel surprises. Other times I find it thrilling not knowing what is to become of me, what lays ahead on this journey (that might not have an ending if re-incarnation is a truth), ever learning, every growing, ever changing.

Sometimes I get all silly and wish on a shooting star or a lash to have some of the answers revealed. And the universe generally humbly obliges with a riddle like sign, that could have a thousand meanings or none at all. Although once upon a trip to Wilderness a sign literally hit me in the face.

Which reminds me, another road trip is in order. I long for the open road, and the smell of the ocean! I am literally craving a surf so bad I am contemplating taking up skateboarding again (and I wasn't very successful the first time) - With an over-protective dad, a mother who scolded all my friends for skating on the properties (with me hiding in the feet area for fear of being connected with her - every teenagers nightmare, haha) and a serious lack in drops that I was allowed to try my luck at, it was a short lived attempt. (read:love affair) And I just came to the damming realisation (just made the sound Muttley used to make when Dastardly came up with plans he didn't like) that once again my Sunday surf is not to be. Time to put a set-up together, or borrow someones then..I'm getting back on the board (land or water) this weekend. This drought must end!

And that ends todays view into my mind..as one can see it's all over the place up in there. It sure is a crazy adventure though.

Over and out.

Mich
xoxo

New beginnings, Old Habits

Dum dum dum...<insert drum roll><flash of lightning> 365 day have passed since the dawn of my new beginning.

<Points to exhibit A above> As usual my coping mechanisms I choose to use when feeling vulnerable & or obsessive are 1. humour & 2. tell someone, but only the superficial layer. Here goes part 2 : the superficial layer, in an attempt to free my mind. Hopefully some form of serenity and sanity befalls me while I write what is sitting heavily on my chest.

Todays the big day, 365 clean & sober. However, not feeling serene at all today. Feeling overwhelmed with work stresses while trying to hand over as there is so much I am powerless over. And best of all, I have my all time favourite past time to occupy me; obsessing about conversations that went 'wrong' (i.e not as I would have prefered them to go had I read my script perfectly).

Over the last couple weeks I have faced quite a few fears head on, one main one being rejection. Although I remain proud of myself for even broaching the subject (as I had been running away from it for quite some time) and the conversation had most of the key points I had mulled over in my head for a couple of years, there was a vital fact I left out (for the 2nd time now). And it's been running through my head ever since. Leaving me only with the dreaded feeling of 'what if?'. I hate 'what ifs'. Those open ended questions that could have any outcome, meaning they are out of my control and I don't know what is coming next. Oh wait, that's how life always is, and I try keep trying to change it. I can hear the definition of insanity in my head as I type this.

This behavioural pattern is constantly cutting me off at the knees and brings me right back down to that core issue of control. Oh, dear control issues. I have worked on you so hard.

Today the pressure got to me, the control issues looming. I forgot to breath, and when people started changing the plans, the stress got a bit too much. As a result I did not to react in the calm manner in which I would have like to, I did not make a concise and well founded statement, but instead word vomitted my fears surrounding the topic (that which should have remained in my head) and here I am left sitting obsessing about what my office thinks of me. The reality is, those that heard have all forgotten about it, many probably didn't even hear it. I am probably the only one who remembers it because it was me and we are all inherently self-centered beings with shitloads of work to get done and our own daily struggles. Making it a mere blip in the radar. The reality is I know all of this, my head knows all of this, but my thoughts they do always want not listen.

At this point I can only hope that tomorrow runs smoother and make a promise to myself not to drag today into tomorrow, thus allowing tomorrow to be a new beginning (as each day should be).

Here's to fresh starts on brisk winter days.

Over & out.

Mich

xoxo

Default Settings

For a long time I felt like I had created this creative persona to deal with some traumas from childhood, the dramatic switch from good student with good grades with analytical skills to creative art student felt almost fake because it had not been a formal passion of mine that I got graded on till late adolescence. It felt like I was a fake. Like if I didn't get perfect grades and wasn't the self I thought I had been then it must be a persona that I had created.

But it's on day's like these that I am reminded just how much of a geek and a creative at the same time, and how much I actually enjoy it. It's funny how things turn into something you never knew they could without much push from your side.

I have an abundance of passions, all of which could be said to be completely non-related, and not the 'usual' mix found in one person. But nearing 11 months (2 and 1/2 days to go and obscenely blessed)  I have come to accept (on most days) that I can be all the things I think I am and all the things I want to be. All if I am willing to try anything and put everything into all the things I am doing while remembering the all important rule: moderation. A complex task for a person such as myself, but achievable if I keep my eye on the goal - to be content, not rich, not famous, content (and as an incredibly inspirational friend said, at ease).

Yesterday I was plagued by feeling 'less than' purely because I was comparing my insides to someone elses. My perfectionistic tendancies are probably the biggest threat to my recovery, and the default I tend to fall prey to most often.

From a young age I pushed myself hard, always putting more than necessary into everything (be it a friendship or schoolwork). I am my own worst enemy for the most part and do not remember a day that I was not.

I was tough on myself from the get-go. My mom once told me a story that describes it perfectly. The just of it that from the day I could speak just one word, I would get frustrated with myself should I not be able to get out what I wanted to say (having little vocabulary of course), but instead of sitting with it, I would get frustrated and hold my breath till I went blue and passed out. In fear of this my mother sought guidance from our house doctor at the time, to be told not to worry about it. The funny thing is, even if I'm not going blue in the face anymore, this time old habit of mine of getting frustrated with myself for whatever reason and then harming myself in some shape or form is a pattern that continues today.

I do not know from whom I learnt these habits, it could be from any one of the adults I grew up surrounded by. What I do know however is that one day at a time I plan on trying to hand over my frustrations with myself and let my HP take the reins, because my way clearly didn't work.

I am so grateful for this program, and all that it has taught me thus far. For the first time I can openly say I can feel the growth. I have had some struggles recently, but through good friends, and breaking old patterns I can feel growth. I can show affection to others and to myself. It is coming up to my 1st birthday, and I can not believe how much has changed in one year, one day at a time. To all those that have been a part of it thus far, words can not fully describe how grateful I am to you (you all know who you are).

Over and Out.

Mich
xoxo

Paddle out in Memory of David Warrior Lilienfeld

21 April 2012

Courage is fear that has said its prayers 
                                                    - Karle Wilson Baker

No one of us is always courageous. With trepidation we embark on many journeys. Fear is dispelled each time we rely on our inner strength and trust that our lives are in good hands.
Self-talk is powerful and will prepare us to meet whatever lies ahead today. Self-talk is like prayer and quiets our fears making it possible to give  our full attention to the events transpiring. Self-talk, when positive, cultivates a healthy self-image, one that offers security, even in the face of disaster. We all carry on a dialogue with ourselves much of the time. Taking charge of the messages- making sure they enhance our personal well-being - is an option always available to us.
No situation is more than we can handle. Whatever courage or strength is needed is as close as our willingness to go within, to commune with ourselves.

I must own my fear before I can let them go. Courage follows closely on their departing footsteps.

This was the first thing I read when I woke up yesterday, to a day I knew I would be going out to support all those close to me who were lucky enough to have Dave, the incredible guy he was, in their lives.

Yesterday I was honoured to be at the paddle out in memory of such an incredible person. It was evident to all who were there just how many lives Dave touched, many of whom there only in spirit, but felt just as strongly as those in the water and those standing at the waters edge. I have never been to a memorial that was so heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. A memorial where the energy of the sorely missed (but as many have so rightly said, never forgotten) hung in the air and connected every soul there.

Dave's dad said something that stuck out to me, he had taught Dave and his brother Gustav to never fear anything. It reminded me just how much fear holds us back, and what a full life Dave lived. His early departure from the physical world has left many thinking about what is going on in their own lives. For me it is no different.

So many hours, days, weeks are wasted on moaning about the smaller things in life. Dave's life and passing has reminded me that I need to forget about fear and just go for it. As children we feel like everything is possible, but as we grow up we place our own limitations on what we can achieve. No more of this. The only limitations that exist are those that are in our own minds, if we believe it, have the drive and go for it with 120% of what we got (and even half the fearlessness of Dave) nothing could go any worse than it would if we didn't try at all. Life is something for living (and he sure did that to the fullest). Here's to living life, no regrets. RIP Dave.


 

Friday the 13th

It's always interesting to me to see how Friday the 13th's will end up unfolding. It really runs home the idea of that your mindset can determine what route your life will take. That’s not to say if you wake-up positive the day will go great nor does it mean that if it starts out bad it will go tragically. The beauty of this life we lead is that we have choices, and that includes choosing how things and people will affect us. Eleanor Roosevelt once said: “You can often change your circumstances by changing your attitude” and I truly believe in this. Particularly if you change your attitude on how you respond to an event or person.

I have been trying to create new behaviours over the last couple of 24hrs and yesterday I got a little worked up by my mom (she has that ability when I allow her to), but I tried some new behavior out and phoned to apologize for my behavior. I knew that she as a person does not listen to rational thought and tends to act purely on emotions and that my apology was not heard over the voices in her head screaming ‘how dare she!’ and ‘I am your mother and therefore your superior’. What I was left with was a pissed off mother who had chosen to hear ‘I am coming through Sunday especially for your birthday’ as a negative, when it was meant to be me showing that I care and therefore I am coming through. Last year I forgot her birthday completely due to me living in my own world enveloped by active, and she couldn’t have cared less. The year I remember and make an effort I get shat on.

This would seem completely absurd to most, but this is my mother. She enjoys fighting with me, if I do not behave irrationally (like I did in the past with her), she does not get to get high off fighting with me and feeling superior. Therefore she must start fights with me out of anything (laundry was the last one, in which I remained calm and this infuriated her). So my getting worked up, was in her eyes joyous, however me apologizing destroyed her plan. So instead she took something out of context, told my dad what I had said and I got to wake-up to a charming phone call from my father telling me his favourite line: ‘ you know you can’t say that to your mother’. You can’t say anything to my mother, we must tip-toe around her and edit our thoughts, because something will be taken up as a good fire starter and a fight will ensue.

This being the case, last year had she done this I would have simply not gone through. Although this would later be used as ammunition for another fight (probably about how I care about a certain person more than her), so this year I will go through. I will behave as though this little tantrum never happened, because on some level she will hopefully realize that I was being sincere and that she twisted the story in her head and over-reacted. She will never tell me of this revelation if it happens, but I will know I did the right thing. My dad will be happy and my sister will be glad she’s not there alone (and I wouldn’t want her to be, birthday’s are always so much fun <insert sarcasm> in our household, but at least we have each other). My mother will probably give me daggers, but somewhere inside her heart feel all warm and fuzzy.

Just for today I will not respond the way I used to. I will not give myself a good reason to beat myself up (as I have in the past), to enable my mother and her behavior, nor will I give my addict something to work with that will tempt me to the dark side. I will keep my side of the street clean, and if she does not like this, that is her issue not mine. I will not let the way my day started define how it will end. I have a choice and I can choose to make a negative beginning be the turning point for a positive day. 

Over and out.

Mich

Pesach in Recovery

So it's that time of year again...time for those of us who are Jews to eat cement (a.k.a Matzah) and feel 10kg's heavier and those of us who are not to eat an abundance of chocolate eggies and feel as though we have eaten a years supply of binges.

Last year this time this holiday was the perfect reason to restrict (no questions asked by my family, due to the fact that they too feel a whole lot heavier this time of year when consuming matzah). This time round it's time to re-work my meal plan and remind myself that matzah only makes me feel like a oompaloompa, but that it is in fact all in my head.

To be honest, I hadn't put much thought into why I had wanted to restrict the last 3 days, and it just hit me why. My pattern a year ago would have looked like this - restrict the week before, eat the matzah and the big ass meals on the first 2 days (because now I was allowed to). Insane, yes, why yes if I lived my life like my head told me to most of you would think I was. And I suppose that means I am.

Combine food issues with family and you got a mess. And that is what every Jewish holiday looks like to me. A big ol mess I feel the need to control. Now trying to step back from the family issues and step back from the controlling it with food and well, it is sort of tough.

Over the last 9 and a half months I have managed to really get a hold of my issues with my family, my food however, is where I slip up. Especially when it comes to family functions. By no means is this an excuse, in fact, it's me acknowledging the issue at hand. I need to relinquish all control when around my family in order to preserve my sanity. I need to hand it over to my HP, hope for the best and stick with my meal plan.

And while I'm at it, not over work myself in order to numb out the feelings coming up.

Lord, there's a lot of work still to do, but somehow I think if I just keep taking it day by day I just might be ok. My gut says this next week is going to run a lot smoother than expected, and boy do I hope it's right. Faith that it will will have to get me through this weekend.

So HP help a girl out here, ok?

Over and out.

Mich

Enjoying the small things in life

A wonderful reader of my blog Rachel, reminded me about moderation and how the little things in life are so important to my sanity.

As the weekend draws near, so does Friday afternoons dreaded traffic..dum dum dum (I'm feeling a lil dramatic today, but in a good way).

So here are my tips for getting through the traffic with your sanity intact:

1. Breath
2. Put some good music on (you could even make an epic travelling cd filled with all your favourites)
3. Remember that the maniacs on the road who are trying to lane jump in traffic are there to remind   
    us that we need to be vigilant when on the roads..things happen when we forget that and if any
    destination is reached sooner it will be whatever lies ahead for us in the afterlife.
4. Pedestrians will cross roads, and generally at a leisurely pace, might as well let them pass you,  
    pump the music louder and chill - promise you it ends up far more serene this way.
5. Bikes will come flying by, so either change lanes carefully or chill. You will get to your destination
    at pretty much the same time as you would have had you 'just got round the slow-poke', there is  
    traffic, chill (statistics have proven this).
6. Might as well enjoy the scenery that is the beautiful city we live in...
    my favourite moments while driving have come from breathing, jamming in my car and taking in 
    just how the light is streaming across and making what would be a beautiful photograph had my
    eyes been camera lenses and could capture it in more than just my memory bank.

Have a fantastic weekend guys!

Over & out.
Mich