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For a long time I felt like I had created this creative persona to deal with some traumas from childhood, the dramatic switch from good student with good grades with analytical skills to creative art student felt almost fake because it had not been a formal passion of mine that I got graded on till late adolescence. It felt like I was a fake. Like if I didn't get perfect grades and wasn't the self I thought I had been then it must be a persona that I had created.

But it's on day's like these that I am reminded just how much of a geek and a creative at the same time, and how much I actually enjoy it. It's funny how things turn into something you never knew they could without much push from your side.

I have an abundance of passions, all of which could be said to be completely non-related, and not the 'usual' mix found in one person. But nearing 11 months (2 and 1/2 days to go and obscenely blessed)  I have come to accept (on most days) that I can be all the things I think I am and all the things I want to be. All if I am willing to try anything and put everything into all the things I am doing while remembering the all important rule: moderation. A complex task for a person such as myself, but achievable if I keep my eye on the goal - to be content, not rich, not famous, content (and as an incredibly inspirational friend said, at ease).

Yesterday I was plagued by feeling 'less than' purely because I was comparing my insides to someone elses. My perfectionistic tendancies are probably the biggest threat to my recovery, and the default I tend to fall prey to most often.

From a young age I pushed myself hard, always putting more than necessary into everything (be it a friendship or schoolwork). I am my own worst enemy for the most part and do not remember a day that I was not.

I was tough on myself from the get-go. My mom once told me a story that describes it perfectly. The just of it that from the day I could speak just one word, I would get frustrated with myself should I not be able to get out what I wanted to say (having little vocabulary of course), but instead of sitting with it, I would get frustrated and hold my breath till I went blue and passed out. In fear of this my mother sought guidance from our house doctor at the time, to be told not to worry about it. The funny thing is, even if I'm not going blue in the face anymore, this time old habit of mine of getting frustrated with myself for whatever reason and then harming myself in some shape or form is a pattern that continues today.

I do not know from whom I learnt these habits, it could be from any one of the adults I grew up surrounded by. What I do know however is that one day at a time I plan on trying to hand over my frustrations with myself and let my HP take the reins, because my way clearly didn't work.

I am so grateful for this program, and all that it has taught me thus far. For the first time I can openly say I can feel the growth. I have had some struggles recently, but through good friends, and breaking old patterns I can feel growth. I can show affection to others and to myself. It is coming up to my 1st birthday, and I can not believe how much has changed in one year, one day at a time. To all those that have been a part of it thus far, words can not fully describe how grateful I am to you (you all know who you are).

Over and Out.

Mich
xoxo

Paddle out in Memory of David Warrior Lilienfeld

21 April 2012

Courage is fear that has said its prayers 
                                                    - Karle Wilson Baker

No one of us is always courageous. With trepidation we embark on many journeys. Fear is dispelled each time we rely on our inner strength and trust that our lives are in good hands.
Self-talk is powerful and will prepare us to meet whatever lies ahead today. Self-talk is like prayer and quiets our fears making it possible to give  our full attention to the events transpiring. Self-talk, when positive, cultivates a healthy self-image, one that offers security, even in the face of disaster. We all carry on a dialogue with ourselves much of the time. Taking charge of the messages- making sure they enhance our personal well-being - is an option always available to us.
No situation is more than we can handle. Whatever courage or strength is needed is as close as our willingness to go within, to commune with ourselves.

I must own my fear before I can let them go. Courage follows closely on their departing footsteps.

This was the first thing I read when I woke up yesterday, to a day I knew I would be going out to support all those close to me who were lucky enough to have Dave, the incredible guy he was, in their lives.

Yesterday I was honoured to be at the paddle out in memory of such an incredible person. It was evident to all who were there just how many lives Dave touched, many of whom there only in spirit, but felt just as strongly as those in the water and those standing at the waters edge. I have never been to a memorial that was so heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time. A memorial where the energy of the sorely missed (but as many have so rightly said, never forgotten) hung in the air and connected every soul there.

Dave's dad said something that stuck out to me, he had taught Dave and his brother Gustav to never fear anything. It reminded me just how much fear holds us back, and what a full life Dave lived. His early departure from the physical world has left many thinking about what is going on in their own lives. For me it is no different.

So many hours, days, weeks are wasted on moaning about the smaller things in life. Dave's life and passing has reminded me that I need to forget about fear and just go for it. As children we feel like everything is possible, but as we grow up we place our own limitations on what we can achieve. No more of this. The only limitations that exist are those that are in our own minds, if we believe it, have the drive and go for it with 120% of what we got (and even half the fearlessness of Dave) nothing could go any worse than it would if we didn't try at all. Life is something for living (and he sure did that to the fullest). Here's to living life, no regrets. RIP Dave.


 

Friday the 13th

It's always interesting to me to see how Friday the 13th's will end up unfolding. It really runs home the idea of that your mindset can determine what route your life will take. That’s not to say if you wake-up positive the day will go great nor does it mean that if it starts out bad it will go tragically. The beauty of this life we lead is that we have choices, and that includes choosing how things and people will affect us. Eleanor Roosevelt once said: “You can often change your circumstances by changing your attitude” and I truly believe in this. Particularly if you change your attitude on how you respond to an event or person.

I have been trying to create new behaviours over the last couple of 24hrs and yesterday I got a little worked up by my mom (she has that ability when I allow her to), but I tried some new behavior out and phoned to apologize for my behavior. I knew that she as a person does not listen to rational thought and tends to act purely on emotions and that my apology was not heard over the voices in her head screaming ‘how dare she!’ and ‘I am your mother and therefore your superior’. What I was left with was a pissed off mother who had chosen to hear ‘I am coming through Sunday especially for your birthday’ as a negative, when it was meant to be me showing that I care and therefore I am coming through. Last year I forgot her birthday completely due to me living in my own world enveloped by active, and she couldn’t have cared less. The year I remember and make an effort I get shat on.

This would seem completely absurd to most, but this is my mother. She enjoys fighting with me, if I do not behave irrationally (like I did in the past with her), she does not get to get high off fighting with me and feeling superior. Therefore she must start fights with me out of anything (laundry was the last one, in which I remained calm and this infuriated her). So my getting worked up, was in her eyes joyous, however me apologizing destroyed her plan. So instead she took something out of context, told my dad what I had said and I got to wake-up to a charming phone call from my father telling me his favourite line: ‘ you know you can’t say that to your mother’. You can’t say anything to my mother, we must tip-toe around her and edit our thoughts, because something will be taken up as a good fire starter and a fight will ensue.

This being the case, last year had she done this I would have simply not gone through. Although this would later be used as ammunition for another fight (probably about how I care about a certain person more than her), so this year I will go through. I will behave as though this little tantrum never happened, because on some level she will hopefully realize that I was being sincere and that she twisted the story in her head and over-reacted. She will never tell me of this revelation if it happens, but I will know I did the right thing. My dad will be happy and my sister will be glad she’s not there alone (and I wouldn’t want her to be, birthday’s are always so much fun <insert sarcasm> in our household, but at least we have each other). My mother will probably give me daggers, but somewhere inside her heart feel all warm and fuzzy.

Just for today I will not respond the way I used to. I will not give myself a good reason to beat myself up (as I have in the past), to enable my mother and her behavior, nor will I give my addict something to work with that will tempt me to the dark side. I will keep my side of the street clean, and if she does not like this, that is her issue not mine. I will not let the way my day started define how it will end. I have a choice and I can choose to make a negative beginning be the turning point for a positive day. 

Over and out.

Mich

Pesach in Recovery

So it's that time of year again...time for those of us who are Jews to eat cement (a.k.a Matzah) and feel 10kg's heavier and those of us who are not to eat an abundance of chocolate eggies and feel as though we have eaten a years supply of binges.

Last year this time this holiday was the perfect reason to restrict (no questions asked by my family, due to the fact that they too feel a whole lot heavier this time of year when consuming matzah). This time round it's time to re-work my meal plan and remind myself that matzah only makes me feel like a oompaloompa, but that it is in fact all in my head.

To be honest, I hadn't put much thought into why I had wanted to restrict the last 3 days, and it just hit me why. My pattern a year ago would have looked like this - restrict the week before, eat the matzah and the big ass meals on the first 2 days (because now I was allowed to). Insane, yes, why yes if I lived my life like my head told me to most of you would think I was. And I suppose that means I am.

Combine food issues with family and you got a mess. And that is what every Jewish holiday looks like to me. A big ol mess I feel the need to control. Now trying to step back from the family issues and step back from the controlling it with food and well, it is sort of tough.

Over the last 9 and a half months I have managed to really get a hold of my issues with my family, my food however, is where I slip up. Especially when it comes to family functions. By no means is this an excuse, in fact, it's me acknowledging the issue at hand. I need to relinquish all control when around my family in order to preserve my sanity. I need to hand it over to my HP, hope for the best and stick with my meal plan.

And while I'm at it, not over work myself in order to numb out the feelings coming up.

Lord, there's a lot of work still to do, but somehow I think if I just keep taking it day by day I just might be ok. My gut says this next week is going to run a lot smoother than expected, and boy do I hope it's right. Faith that it will will have to get me through this weekend.

So HP help a girl out here, ok?

Over and out.

Mich

Enjoying the small things in life

A wonderful reader of my blog Rachel, reminded me about moderation and how the little things in life are so important to my sanity.

As the weekend draws near, so does Friday afternoons dreaded traffic..dum dum dum (I'm feeling a lil dramatic today, but in a good way).

So here are my tips for getting through the traffic with your sanity intact:

1. Breath
2. Put some good music on (you could even make an epic travelling cd filled with all your favourites)
3. Remember that the maniacs on the road who are trying to lane jump in traffic are there to remind   
    us that we need to be vigilant when on the roads..things happen when we forget that and if any
    destination is reached sooner it will be whatever lies ahead for us in the afterlife.
4. Pedestrians will cross roads, and generally at a leisurely pace, might as well let them pass you,  
    pump the music louder and chill - promise you it ends up far more serene this way.
5. Bikes will come flying by, so either change lanes carefully or chill. You will get to your destination
    at pretty much the same time as you would have had you 'just got round the slow-poke', there is  
    traffic, chill (statistics have proven this).
6. Might as well enjoy the scenery that is the beautiful city we live in...
    my favourite moments while driving have come from breathing, jamming in my car and taking in 
    just how the light is streaming across and making what would be a beautiful photograph had my
    eyes been camera lenses and could capture it in more than just my memory bank.

Have a fantastic weekend guys!

Over & out.
Mich

Ramfest in Recovery

What a crazy ass experience, all of which I remember. Winning in my books!

Just a year ago I was stuck in a dysfunctional relationship that should never have been begun in the first place. But once I was in I was transformed, in some way or another after realising that this was the longest relationship I had ever been in, I fell into the trap (set up by my low self-esteem) and believed that clearly only someone with that many issues could ever love me and be with me for longer that 3 weeks -  what I have come to call the 3 week curse.

A year on and happily single (o.k. that's a lie sometimes, but for the most part it's true) and clean, not entirely serene (but that's o.k, it's life). And still making some of the stupid mistakes, but that's o.k too, because if I expected myself to just be fixed I would be as naiive as the family members of a dear friend of mine (not naming names, *cough* *cough*).

Nearing 9 months now (saying that in my head sounds obscenely weird) and finally went to my first outdoor adventure... Ramfest. Off I went, on my own - dear g-d, must have been feeling real brave yesterday and driven insane by my deep love for Inflames.

Thankfully as I have come to realise over the last couple months, I always tend to bump into friends. And had made plans to meet up with some of the my lovely friends that I had not seen since I disappeared into rehab. Unfortunately it didn't go exactly according to plan (as I didn't get to see all of them), but that's ok I guess.

What it did make me realise is just how much I am willing to put my body through in order to watch one of my all time favourite musical geniuses. Migrane aside it was a phat jam! I could have listened to them for the rest of the night and the next day quite happily.

I did however learn a lot of life lessons upon my Ramfest journey and a few things about myself. That said, no hangover and an early bedtime so I could be at work today all bright and bushy tailed.. it was an epic day (even if I got totally sweaty and often had to go dunk my ass under the water towers). The joys of festivals. (laughs to self) Responsible Mitchel, has changed in so many ways and yet remains flawed and driven by her heart and not her head some days is here to stay. She just needs to learn to manage the heart issues with a little more logic and a little less hopeless romantic wishing for the Decembers of yesteryear and all will be well.

Just for today I'm still my hopeless romantic self and that's o.k. I don't need to punish myself, nor do I need to beat myself up for the next month because I'm still human. I am human, and that means I am fallible and at times get caught up by my hearts yearnings, it doesn't make me a bad person. It just means I'm not a robot.

Over & out.

Mich

Gifted Friends Series Rose Molteno

In my life I have been very fortunate to meet friends that are not only passionate, but also extremely talented. One such friend is Rose Molteno, an incredibly talented designer who in September 2011 started working full time on her own company, Molteno Creations.

She has been in the industry for five years now and from the get go she was making waves. The judges at the Durban July knew they had a gifted designer on their hands when they chose her as a finalist in the Durban July.

Rose isn’t afraid of working hard and is passionate about creating exquisite garments for anything from your Matric Dance to your wedding. Any occasion can be made even more spectacular with a Molteno creation hugging your curves and showing off your temple in all the right ways.

Rose learnt her trade (coming top of her class) graduating with an International City & Guildes Diploma and working under names such as Michelle Harper (YDE) and Craig Native.

She certainly knows her stuff when it comes to creating incredible gowns that fit like a glove and any girl would be lucky to own their very own Molteno Creation.

More recently Rose is looking for a fresh face to represent her marvelous company for 2012 and from next week a competition will begin where you can enter (simply by ‘liking’ her Facebook page - http://www.facebook.com/rosemolteno) to become The Face of Molteno Creations 2012. The finalists will be notified in September 2012 and the winner will win a fabulous make-over and professional photo shoot to either add to, or begin her modeling portfolio.

So come on ladies, what are you waiting for… get clicking and stand a chance to look and feel like a princess, even if it’s just for one day.

Don’t forget to check out her website for more details on prices and ordering –

http://www.moltenocreations.com/ & her Facebook page to see some of her incredible creations http://www.facebook.com/rosemolteno 

Will post pics of her work soon... 

Over and out.

Mich

p.s Coming soon – an interview with the talented designer. <watch this space>